On Being Your Hubby’s Friend

In the beginning, the hubby and I were not too fond of each other.

He was a dark, brooding musician-type who liked to run orderly high school worship team rehearsals and be on time to everything.

I, on the other hand, was a bouncy, cheerleader-type who liked to burst into rehearsals late and maybe take over on the drums for a solo that echoed the great Muppet called Animal.

I drove him crazy.

He made me roll my eyes at all the taking-life-so-seriously.

We were 14 and 15 years old.

But one day I was riding in a van full of hair-sprayed JV cheerleaders and I heard a girl in the back seat announce that she was going to marry my now hubby when she turned 18 and I remember very distinctly smirking to myself and thinking,

“In your dreams, sister.  That boy is mine.”

Because somewhere along the way the hubby and I realized that our differences filled up the gaps we each had.

My bubbly personality offered him a fresh and positive perspective.

His wise and thoughtful manner opened my eyes to a much deeper and productive (and punctual) way of life.

Thus began the start of sending each other beeps in the middle of the night (remember beepers??? We had special codes and everything.  I feel old just talking about it) , lonnnnng conversations at the local coffee shop, and putting notes in each other’s lockers.

We became friends.

And that, sweet readers, is the foundation for a really great marriage.

But how do you stay friends with your spouse when you’re not in high school with lots of free time, endless amounts of energy, and stars in your eyes?

How do you stay friends when life gets busy, kids come along, finances are crunched, and you’re just so, so tired?

The hubby and I have pursued to stay each other’s BFF for the last 13 years – and while it hasn’t been perfect or easy – we’ve found these 7 thoughts to be super helpful along the way.

#1 – Have FUN together

“So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 8:15 (NLT)

We cannot let life’s stressors and schedules and the raising of children suck the fun out of our relationships.  We may have to put in some effort to go out and have fun now (like get a babysitter and then pay her $10,000), but it is always worth it.

And of course there’s always fun to be had at home after the kids are in bed.  Like drawing portraits of one another or playing with tin foil or having a jellybean tasting contest.

Or playing Strip Battle Ship. 😉

#2 – Ears and empathy

“My dear brothers and sisters, always be more willing to listen than to speak. Keep control of your anger.” James 1:19 (ERV) 

You get together with your gal pals and you gab and gab about everything under the sun and usually there isn’t a moment where you’re like, “Um what did you say? I wasn’t paying attention.”

If your hubby is talking to you, LISTEN TO HIM.

Sometimes we complain that our hubbies won’t talk deep with us but maybe he’s just learned that we don’t think what he says is important.  For example, when he talks to you about the smaller things in life – like how his day was or what’s happening at work, do you have your computer open to Pinterest or are your fingers busy texting your mom or are you more interested in the interruptions of your children then what he has to say?  (I have regrettably done all of these things.)

Lock your kids on the patio for a few minutes each day and hide your phone on top of the fridge if you have no self-control like me and have an actual conversation that doesn’t involve who’s driving what kid to such-and-such activity.

And if he does happen to open up and share about something he is struggling with – like a tough boss, perhaps – don’t try to fix it.  Do what you do with your girlfriends and say things like,

“That is awful.  I’m so sorry.  He doesn’t realize the gift he’s got in you!  You want me to go rip his hair out?”

#3 – Take an interest

One of my girlfriends is an artist.  When I am at her house, I get excited about what new pieces she is working on or I fuss over something she just finished.  I ask if she needs help preparing for an upcoming art show.

I am married to a gamer.  My man loves his XBox.  So occasionally I’ll sit on the couch with him and watch the pandemonium that is happening on the screen and comment on how amazing he is to even understand where he is on the board – let alone know where everyone else is so that he can blow them to smithereens.

It’s really quite remarkable.

And I may not have actually scuba dived with him, but I watch all of his dive videos with great enthusiasm.

The point is, just like I make an effort to be interested in my girlfriends’ hobbies, I try to take an interest in the things my husband enjoys and vice versa.

I mean, the guy watches Gilmore Girls with me when I know he’d probably rather poke his eye with a fork.

#4 – Set some boundaries

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” Song of Solomon 6:3 (ESV)

Make sure that the friendship you have with your hubby is your top priority.

We have to be careful that we don’t build a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t our spouse.

I really like the boundaries that THIS GAL and her hubby created to safeguard their marriage from inappropriate relationships and highly encourage every couple to discuss and implement them.

#5 – The little things

“Love one another with brotherly affection.  Outdo one another in showing honor.” Romans 12:10 (ESV)

I like to do lots of little things for my girlfriends to let them know I love them (like all of THESE IDEAS).

Since our hubbies are our friends, too, then we can also love them in this way.

Stick love notes in his pocket before work, send him flirty text messages, make him his favorite dessert, get his car washed and vacuumed, bring him a glass of water when he’s out in the yard working, greet him at the door happily when he comes home, put toothpaste on his toothbrush, laugh at his jokes, snuggle, say thank you like ALL THE TIME, change the wallpaper on his phone to a cute photo of the two of you, and everything on THIS LIST.

#7 – Cheer him on

“When you talk, don’t say anything bad. But say the good things that people need—whatever will help them grow stronger.” Ephesians 4:29 (ERV)

Let’s say your bestie was getting ready to potty train her kid or go to Veggie Boot Camp with her picky eater.

As her friend, you would not be judging her methods.  Rather you’d be overflowing with verbage like,

“YOU GOT THIS!  I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!  HOW CAN I PRAY FOR YOU?  YOU ARE A WARRIOR MOMMY!!!!!

So when your hubby is trying to install dry wall for the first time, or dress your kids for church, or lead worship every Sunday, don’t judge his methods.

You’re on the same team.

Encourage him.

Be his cheerleader.

(And maybe wear one of those cute skirts for him while you’re at it.)

#7 – Accept each other – flaws and all

Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at ALL times.”

Here’s the thing.  Marriage is made up of 2 imperfect people.  People who have baggage and annoying habits and sin struggles and, unfortunately, maybe even addictions.

A true friend can look past all that rubbish and remember who the other really is.

**Who God created them to be.**

Adam and Eve pranced around the garden together – perfect and free.  Companions in the purest form.  But when sin entered their sanctuary, they had to put on those awkward outfits made out of leaves.  Whenever they looked at each other those leaves must have been a painful reminder of their fall –

The Fall.

As they faced the brokenness of their new world, I would imagine those two had to regularly cup each other’s faces and whisper,

“Baby, I see past those fig leaves.  This is not who you are.  You are good, you are beautiful, and you were made just for me.”

If your marriage is struggling right now, dear readers, ask the Lord how you can start implementing these thoughts into your relationship.

Because the world (and quite possibly that Pinterest we were looking at while not listening to our hubbies) will tell you that your marriage needs more romance or more sex.  And while these things are super great and super important to relationships, it is more friendship that will help set the foundation for you and your husband growing close again.

And when you think about it, this man you married is really the only friend you have that you get to have a sleepover with every. single. night. of the week for forever and ever.

So make the most of it.

– Julie 🙂

“You’ve captured my heart, dear friend.  You looked at me and I fell in love.” Song of Solomon 4:9 (The Message)

*Photo Credit – {{the amazing}} 1313 Photography*