I have been in a bit of a blogging funk lately. Partly because the end of the school year was totally bananas and I had only crumbs to offer the world once we let out for summer break. I have basically been trying to clear my head and just enjoy my family ever since. Also, I am still pregnant. And somehow being pregnant has just quieted me in so many ways. Which is hilarious because for years I thought that getting pregnant would inspire a ton of new material to share.
The truth is, this past year was life-changing on several levels. I had the absolute joy of becoming our preschool’s director. It was a gift I knew was from the Lord, but it was a huge responsibility that stretched me in ways I never knew possible. The more leadership I was given, the more humbled I became. Through some beautiful highs and some dark lows, I realized that I didn’t know as much as I thought once did.
I experienced a similar journey this year in motherhood, as well. The boys have grown so much and the fun crafts and activities I used to do with them has given way to more time outdoors simply riding bikes or playing in the mud. They are happiest just being free, and honestly I have been so tired, sending them outside has been good for my frequent need for naps.
On another note, one of the boys struggled at school the second part of the year with his behavior – being silly at inappropriate times – and we had to work really hard as a family to support him the best we knew how. It kind of rocked me as a mama. I was having to shepherd several difficult behavior issues with some of our preschool students as the director, and yet my own child was struggling to make good decisions. Shouldn’t I have this together?
Again, I don’t know as much as I thought I did!
ALSO, both boys are dealing with raging cases of molluscum – a super gross skin disease that is basically a murderer of inspiration. I found a few natural health blogs that said you can get rid of molluscum with apple cider vinegar and bandaids and 14 hours, so for weeks I have been sending the boys to bed covered in ACV bandaids and they weep themselves to sleep because the smell of the ACV makes them want to throw up. I am probably the worst mom ever.
And this pregnancy is such a gift – I feel so blessed to get to steward another precious life – but it has unearthed some serious fears and anxieties that we will have to go through again what we did when Jethro was born. I have had to lay that before the Lord time and time again.
We had some time as a family on the beach last week and as we walked along the shoreline, I held Ryan’s hand and told him my heart for Happy Home Fairy. I confessed that I haven’t had much to say lately and I wasn’t quite sure what the Lord wants me to do next here. I had always dreamed that blogging would become my full time job, but the condemning voice in my head (and seeing what other bloggers are constantly doing) shames me for not producing more consistently, taking beautiful photos, and regularly keeping my stats up. Then I have to be intentional to go to God’s Word to drown out that other voice. It can take me awhile to get back on track!
As my hubby and I walked, I also told him that I am in a season where I have just been deeply humbled by life and all that I don’t know, but what I do know is to trust the Lord and have a sense of humor.
Ryan smiled at me and said, “Well there’s your next blog post.”
So here it is, folks! Trust the Lord and have a sense of humor. These were wise words from one of my dearest mentors and with every day that goes by, I see how very true they are. There are days that end with me crying and feeling like a hot mess of a person, and there are days I go to bed laughing with my husband about the dumb things we did that day that will probably put our kids in counseling when they are older.
But we keep ending up at the feet of Jesus no matter what.
We may not always instantly trust the Lord with the stuff that comes our way, but He loves when we wrestle our way to surrender in His presence. He loves hearing when we feel confused or lost or upset about something. He loves when we are hungry for His Word to help us “get back on track.”
And as we trust Him to make our paths straight, then we are able to look ahead with a spirit of laughter instead of fear.
My story (and maybe yours, too) is messy and broken a lot of the time, but He takes all of that with our open hands of surrender, and makes it into a beautiful story. It’s not always captured perfectly on Instagram, but in His kingdom, it looks even better.
And laughter is just good medicine.
I only wish it would fix molluscum.
Thanks for hanging in there to read this. This crazy fairy is so grateful for you, sweet readers!