When Noah was in PK4, his teacher approached us in October of that year and mentioned some concerns she was having about our boy’s development.
She thought Noah needed speech therapy, help with his pencil grip, and maybe even some Occupational Therapy. A few months later, the Preschool Director met with Noah to administer the Gesell Developmental Observation and when we met to discuss the results, it became clear that they thought we should give Noah ‘The Gift of Time’ by having him repeat PK4.
This came to us as quite a shock, because, naturally, our son was “so brilliant” and why in the world would we ever hold him back in preschool? I also wrestled with ye old Mom Guilt that perhaps I didn’t do enough tummy time when he was a baby and that was why he couldn’t sit still in his chair – obviously. Not to mention wondering whether or not he would miss all of his friends or be bored out of his mind if we actually went through with it.
All of this was happening at the same time that Jethro was dealing with his own health and development issues and I was feeling a little fragile about everything in the world.
But the more my husband and I talked about it, the more we felt like having Noah repeat PK4 was the right thing to do (you can read about it HERE). A key was recognizing that “the whole child goes to school”, and often a child’s development is uneven – he may show great strengths in some areas but struggle enough in others that it makes giving him the gift of time the wisest decision.
3 years later, I can tell you that it was the best decision we ever made.
Now I am absolutely passionate about encouraging other families to consider making this decision for their child when warranted, and I love to help guide them through the process.
Because this journey doesn’t end with the decision to have a child repeat a grade. There are several important steps parents must take to help their whole family carry out this decision well. Here are 3 of the most critical tips I give to parents.
Don’t Wait Too Long
PK3 and PK4 are prime opportunities to make the decision to have a child repeat a grade because they are still young enough to not fully understand what is going on. This makes them more readily adaptable to new situations, friends, and classrooms. After Kindergarten, stronger friendships are formed and children become more aware of social dynamics. If your teacher suggests it, or your child has a summer birthday and is young for their class, or you are just wanting to prolong the inevitable empty nest another year, go for it as soon as you can! The longer you wait, the more challenging it can get for everyone.
It is NOT a Negative Thing
From my own personal experience with this decision, I initially thought that holding my child back was a bad thing. I thought it reflected poorly on me as a mom and on my child. Was he not smart enough? No. What he needed was more time to develop into the child God was making him to be! These early years help kids put the tools in their tool belt that they’ll need for coping with the next grade level. Upper school can be so stressful for the child who is not ready. ‘Readiness’ is really what it’s all about!
This point can be especially challenging for Dads to receive because men tend to want to push forward. The child should be able to suck it up and succeed – even if it’s challenging! I like to point out that giving a child the gift of another year is actually setting them up for success later in life. Appeal to the bigger picture – the child will typically be one of the oldest in the class, have had more time to develop appropriately and be ready for each grade level, and also to have one more year under their parents’ roof. Think of the huge advantages of having an extra year of maturity before hitting the halls of middle school, or taking on the challenges of college.
Also, one other thing I have seen often is that the kids who needed the extra year and didn’t get it are the ones who struggle every single school day with homework, and require lots of parent help because they are missing some of the tools that they didn’t get the time to develop, including the maturity and confidence to work independently. Parents who insist on pushing forward are sometimes setting themselves up for years of homework battles and let me tell you – that is NOT FUN.
If You’re Going to Do It, Do It 110%
This is the most important tip! If you decide to have your child repeat a grade, you must, must, MUST make the decision and then stand by it with confidence. Your child WILL sense your fear or hesitancy. Your child WILL hear you talking about it to your friends in a negative way and these things WILL affect their little hearts. When we decided to give Noah that extra year, I had to be a good pretender at first! I doubted our decision in the beginning – as most will – but I didn’t want Noah to know that. So I found ways to communicate my support and excitement to him.
Instead of sitting Noah down and having a dramatic conversation about him doing PK4 again, when he talked about moving to Kindergarten, I casually told him, “You GET to have another year in PK4! I am so happy for you to get to play and have fun!” I also had to be really careful not to say anything to anybody within range of his listening ears that I was worried he would be bored. Of course this was a concern of mine, but I didn’t want to plant the seed in his head that he would be bored and then have him walk around looking for opportunities to be bored. At these young ages 12 months makes a huge difference in who a child is, so the child starting his second year in PK3 or PK4 is so different from the one who entered that PK level a year before. Therefore he experiences it all differently. His readiness for that grade level is right on target now and he’ll love it all and feel smart and successful and will likely be one of the leaders of the class. And if the child remembers an activity from his first year in that grade, I have consistently seen it met with an attitude that says, “Oh, I remember this and can’t wait to do it again!”
A note for parents – if you make the decision to give the gift of time, I encourage you to make sure that your child’s new grade level applies across the board. Sunday School, choirs, sports activities, etc. need to remain with the child’s repeated grade level so you don’t carry on the idea (which could become a stigma) that “Well, he should be in kindergarten, so…”. Remember, commit yourself to this decision 110%.
Kids really take the lead from us on decisions like this. At the end of the day, you are the parent and you know what’s best for your child.
And let me tell you something – I have NEVER met a parent who regretted giving their child the gift of another year.
Have you had a child repeat a grade? What worked for you?
Joyfully,
Julie 🙂
I do not think it ever hurts a child to repeat a grade and the Pre K years are perfect. Often we cannot see the forest for the trees with our own children. We know they are perfect but our expectations are for them to be the best and we assume the route without giving them a chance to show us where they are struggling. I fully agree with your wonderful advice and I think it makes a better child when their foundation has strength. I work with children and can see their struggle better than a parent because my emotional attachment is coming from a different direction. I admire teachers that make the recommendation and it is very difficult for a teacher to step up to the decision. I am so proud of you and the information you share. I pray your strength will continue to write this supportive blog for others. I have no children, but I love all the children of the world and I want them all to have a firm foundation. I pray for their success and yours as a Mother and as the educator! Keep on writing and I will keep on reading your wonderful blog.
We held back one of our sons in fourth grade. Back story is that he was home schooled and refused to do any reading. (Momma guilt here, it wasn’t for my lack of trying, strong willed child) When he got to public school he was a non-reader so they said the best thing was to keep him in 4th grade, then keep him back another year. I was horrified!! Best thing we ever did. He looked around and saw that everyone else was reading so he took it on full throttle, by the end of the year he was only a year behind, by the time he was done with fifth grade he was right on track. So….I not only had the humiliation of having a non-reader but going from homeschooling to putting my children in public school. (which we did because of life circumstances changing). A lot of emotional battering. He is now in his second year of college and doing amazing things.
My son has a summer birthday and we decided to wait until he was 6 before we sent him to kindergarten. I agree with what you said about the whole child has to go. My son was fine in some areas but others he struggled with. Our preschool had a program called transitional kindergarten that was designed specifically for kids who were old enough for kindergarten but for whatever reason the parents weren’t sending them–so we lucked out with that. It was a completely different program than the PK4 class.
And I have no regrets. He was a late reader even after sending him late–if we would have sent him when he was 5 he would have been so much further behind. Now he is confident and able to manage the requirements of his particular grade each year. The only thing that I will mention is that there is no way to entirely insulate them from understanding that they are a grade behind. His cousin who is a week younger than him started school at 5–so he knows that he is a grade behind her. And club soccer is formed based on birth year so he was often playing soccer with kids who were in the grade ahead of him. So I think that it is just how you frame the conversation when it comes up. I just tell him that we had to make the best decision for him to make sure he was successful at school and that mommy was happy to have another year with him at home!
Julie, thank you for this post. My boys turned a year old last month lol, but of course I’m already thinking ahead to PK2 – how they would be the youngest in their class, and how different they would be from the child(ren) turning 3. Your perspective and tips are great for me to keep in mind for the upcoming years.
In California, we have a TK (transitional kindergarten) for kids who are young or just need more time and its wonderful. They do half of the K curriculum slowly the first year and get an entire year of the K curriculum the next year. All three of my boys needed that extra year for various reasons and it really helped with their academics. The best decision for all of them but like one of the other people commented, they do figure it out. It didn’t become an issue until about 5th grade when they truly noticed (or it was pointed out to them by other kids 🙁 ). Then we had to have the talk about you weren’t held back, you just need an extra year, you aren’t slower, etc. But as K teacher myself, those kids need it and it wonderful to give them that extra year. Don’t hesitate…its worth it!
I’m a retired Preschool teacher. My son has a summer birthday, from the time he was born I knew I wouldn’t send him to kindergarten until he was 6 years old. I have always been thankful that I made that decision, all those years ago. Over the years I have encouraged several parents to keep their child “home” for one more year. Explaining to them it’s academically and socially a wise choice, but also thinking about your child trying out for the basketball or football team as the youngest player. Being a young teen driver or a young teen going to prom. This decision isn’t just for the next year in the child’s life, but for the rest of their school life. FYI this is also called “red shirting” in sports.
My oldest has a September birthday, so the decision for her to start K at about-to-be-6 was made for me…but I think it is GREAT for her! I had the same fears that she would be bored, but after a few weeks in K she seems excited and confident. I’m so glad it’s not a struggle and that I didn’t try to manipulate things and push her ahead, which I was scheming to do when she was 3! 🙄😂 My other 2 have summer birthdays so this was helpful to think through as they get older. Great post!!
As someone who spent many years watching students move through PK2, PK3 and PK4 and on into kindergarten and the the elementary years, I’d just like to say “Yes! Yes! Amen to all that you shared here!” And blessings on the teachers who so love their students that they’re willing to raise their concerns and to shepherd families through these difficult decisions. Thanks for addressing this so well, Julie!
Thank you for such a relevant post. Over the last couple of weeks my husband and I have been sensing that one of our boys may need to spend an extra year in pre-K. I’m worried since he would be so old going into kindergarten. Your thoughts give me some encouragement.
I love your post, I have been trying to research more on the subject and am looking for children’s books on retention. I know of the one below, but would love to see if anyone else has used some that have been helpful for their kiddos or students!
http://www.blurb.com/books/8820881-take-two-with-mrs-drew
These comments have been very helpful for me. My son just finished the 2nd grade and my husband and I are planning to have him repeat. He has struggled for the last few years to keep up socially with the other kids in his class. Academically he’s fine, but he’s socially immature. His birthday is in August and he has typically been the youngest one in his class. He gets upset with himself when he gets in trouble at school on the playground or in class. My husband and I are struggling with how to tell him. He was aware during the school year that repeating was a option, and he, of course, was not happy about it. My husband and I are struggling with how to tell him that he will not be going to the 3rd grade. He has developed a close relationship with one boy in his class and I’m sure this will be the hardest aspect for him. It breaks my heart to think about how he will feel when he sees his old classmates in the hallway or in the lunchroom. Does anyone have experience with having this conversation with an elementary school kid? Thanks so much!
We are facing the same problem with our daughter this year. She will be repeating the third grade. I am wanting to plan some sort of party and make it an awesome thing instead of a negative. I keep trying to find something on the internet but cant find any ideas.
just coming across this post! would love to hear if/what you did to help with transition! we are also changing schools. TY
Thank you LHR for posting this comment. We are considering holding our second grader back this year. We are really struggling with this decision. So many people tell us it can be emotionally damaging. He already struggles emotionally and has no confidence. Second grade has been challenging for him. Now he talks about not liking school and starting to refuse to work. We don’t want to hurt him more emotionally or see him struggle academically. How did the transition go for your little guy and you guys?
Thank you LHR for posting this comment. We are considering holding our second grader back this year. We are really struggling with this decision. So many people tell us it can be emotionally damaging. He already struggles emotionally and has no confidence. Second grade has been challenging for him. Now he talks about not liking school and starting to refuse to work. We don’t want to hurt him more emotionally or see him struggle academically. How did the transition go for your little guy and you guys?
hi! we are holding back our 3rd grader.. we also take him to see a play therapist weekly who is going to assist us with breaking the news…and support him mentally..and support us as his parents…guide us..to make this a GOOD thing. Would love to hear any ideas/supports you have gotten!! good luck mama!
I have made the decision to have my 1st grade twins repeat 1st grade for academic reasons. It is killing me as I’m a teacher and I feel like I failed them. Did I do something wrong? Did I not do enough? The decision to retain is breaking my heart. I have not told them yet that they are repeating 1st grade but I know they will be devastated. I am at a loss.