One day last year when I picked up the Happy Buddy from school he immediately burst into tears.
He informed me that he had not gotten a sticker that day because he had been caught eating mulch on the playground with another boy.
Another day when he climbed into the car after church he confessed tearfully that he had been given a time out during Sunday School because he was goofing around during the Bible story.
Then there was the time we got our seat belts on and he let me know that he had gotten a ‘little wild’ at the end of the school day and had to walk laps during recess.
And I can’t forget the time he informed me that he had kicked another boy where it counts (shall we say) and then lied about it to his teacher.
Most mornings before my children are released from my care into the hands of another, I try to remind them that they are little ambassadors for Christ as well as representatives of our family and that it is important for them to do good, respect well, obey quickly, and listen attentively.
I will even often pray a blessing over them before they race to their respective classrooms.
So you can imagine that when my child comes home from school and tells me the stories of failed attempts to listen, obey, and be respectful – my flesh gets a teeny tiny bit mad.
Probably because I know the depths of wickedness in my own heart and how easy it is to fall into the trap of judging another mama based on her child’s behavior.
My kid was making me look bad.
(As I typed that sentence I felt my computer giving me a disgusted look.)
Truth is, my anger is linked to my own pride and sinful desire to have people think I am perfect and can produce obedient, excellent children.
So when I get angry at my kids after they confess their sins to me, I am really just reflecting ME and my selfishness instead of the sweet grace He tenderly, patiently, and lovingly extends to us every. single. day.
God has been working on me in this area.
He has helped me to see a few things more clearly – the first being the precious gift that it is to have a son who doesn’t want to keep secrets.
Because if I want to encourage my child to be a TRUTH SEEKER – to not be content in the withholding of his wrongdoings – to openly confess and experience the freedom of a life lived in truth-soaked light, then I have to get better at responding with grace.
And God KNOWS I want my boy to be able to confess his struggles to me as a teenager so if I am putting him down, punishing him, and making him feel bad now in his openness – it’s looking pretty certain that he won’t trust me with that info in the future.
What does the ‘grace response’ look like, then?
When Happy Buddy gets in the car and rattles off his behavior, instead of scary eye-balling him in the rearview mirror and saying things like, “How could you do that?!” or “That was a horrible choice!” or “No dessert for you tonight, young man!” or “You know better than that!”
I listen quietly and then carefully and gently ask questions.
“What made you think mulch would taste good?” (I admit, we got a good laugh out of this one.)
“Why was it hard for you to sit through the Bible story?”
“Why did you feel you had to lie to your teacher?”
“Would you want someone to kick you in the jimmy?”
Asking questions helps us reflect a little more on the poor choice so that hopefully in the future he will be a bit more discerning and a bit less impulsive.
And then I get the opportunity to say, “Thank you, son, for sharing this with me. Nothing you do will make me love you less. You are a precious boy. Now let’s pray and ask God to help you make a better choice next time.”
This same response works in our marriages too.
I remember one time the hubs and I were at a busy store with the boys and he motioned to the woman in front of us wearing some incredibly form-fitting work out pants. He whispered to me, “Let’s walk a little faster so we can get past this woman. It’s hard to not be tempted to look.”
As a woman who struggles with weight and body issues and the general feeling that I will never be pretty enough (again, all about me), I can take his honest, precious plea as an opportunity to get angry.
I could say things like, “Why can’t you control yourself better?” or “Why am I not enough for you?!” or “Are you saying I am FAT?!”
But if I want him to remain in open communication with me and help him feel affirmed in his honorable desire to be pure, then I have to respond as Jesus would.
“Thank you for sharing that with me, my love. You are a good man.”
And then I may or may not have grabbed his hand and bolted so fast out of that store you would have thought there was a fire.
How do you respond when your husband confesses that he spent too much money this month? Or when he calls to say he won’t be home for dinner? Or when he realizes that he forgot to get the one thing you asked him to go to the store for?
The grace response consists of 2 things – the first is that it recognizes that YOU are a sinner ALSO in need of a Savior.
The second is that God is loving, forgiving, compassionate, kind, and good to YOU, so now you get the opportunity EVERY DAY to be a reflection of Him to your people.
Which will hopefully spread to the world and inspire less irrational kicking where it counts, less judging other mamas, deeper, richer relationships with our children and spouses, glory to God, and more grace, grace, grace.
A few Sundays ago we sang this line, “Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee.”
I like the sound of that.
– Julie 🙂
Juanita
March 22, 2015 at 7:11 amThank you for this post. It’s my prayer today that with God’s help I will become better at building up my husband & that I will show grace to my family J
Karen C.
March 22, 2015 at 8:45 amAmen! I needed to hear this… it’s so easy to respond negatively (and definitely NOT graciously) when I find out about something bad my kids may have done (at school or elsewhere). You’re right on point, too, when you say it’s completely tied into our our selfish desires to “appear” to be the perfect parent whose children wear halos all the time. I don’t want THEM to make ME look bad… Lord, forgive me!
Thank you for helping us to think of the future when they are teenagers and how we will want them to confide in us…
Lia Martin
March 22, 2015 at 5:10 pmthank you so, so much for this…our loved ones need so much more to know they are loved than that they are judged…that they are whose they are, not what they’ve done right…that we are messing up, too, and we love them through it all. I treasure this article, it really moved my heart. God bless you and your mission!
dorkyxana
March 22, 2015 at 6:27 pmThank you for your honesty and for your encouragement. It helps me to really reflect on my own walk with God and how I view myself and how I should also respond to situations that play on our pride and identity. Sending your family happy thoughts and prayers! 🙂
Amy
March 22, 2015 at 9:03 pmlove this! you hit the nail on the head when you said it was our own mommy pride that gets hurt when they make poor choices. I just came to this realization the other day. You can put it in much better words than I can. thank you for this!
Me
March 22, 2015 at 10:24 pmI needed to read this encouragement today. It was a rough week(end) at our home. Thank you!!
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thedentons
March 22, 2015 at 11:21 pmYes. This. So well said and so what I needed to hear today. Thank you, friend!
barbingram
March 23, 2015 at 5:38 pmJulie, Julie…this.is.such godly wisdom. We’re all desperate to be offered “the sweet grace He tenderly, patiently, and lovingly extends to us every. single. day.” I pray these words will cause an outpouring of grace in so many people and families, and that relationships will be forever transformed! Father, may it be so, to Your glory. Amen!
Jennifer Ebenhack
March 24, 2015 at 4:47 pmSo good, Julie!!! Thanks!
Lydia
March 25, 2015 at 2:53 pmAfter reading how you prepare your kids for school, every morning, I had a long, amazing talk about G-d with my 5-year old son. Thanks for the inspiration to show grace and forgiveness!
Stephanie Cox
March 25, 2015 at 3:16 pmThank you for your words of encouragement and using scripture to tie it all together. I have written down your “speech” to your kids for what they need to remember to do when they step out into the world. I appreciate your insights and showing there are more than one way to see a situation.
Ruth Broadhurst
March 27, 2015 at 6:26 amThank you for this. It was perfectly timed for my family.
Granny Ruth xx
Jackie
March 30, 2015 at 2:58 amI love the way you described grace responses. Thank you for this! 🙂
Kerri
March 31, 2015 at 3:20 pmThis is hilarious. I laughed out loud a couple of times reading this. Thanks for such honest, godly wisdom. We all need a little grace don’t we?
Sabrina
March 31, 2015 at 4:22 pmThank you Lord for working through your servant, Julie. I SO needed this today. Blessings on you all and Happy Easter!
Tiffany
April 8, 2015 at 9:06 amBless you, Julie! Thank you so much for this little reminder. After a rough night with the hubs, this is exactly what I needed to consider. Grace.
Christine Lent
June 8, 2015 at 7:06 amI’ve had this post sitting in my inbox for two months now. My life is insane and I wanted to read it when I really had time to think about it. I love how you pray throughout the day and about everything. My mind has always thought that we pray in the morning (when we are rushing to get out the door) and the end of the day (when we are too tired to think). I need to remember that I can pray through the day and I can pray about anything, even if it seems frivolous. Thank you for being a great example to others. You make the world a better place.
Happy Home Fairy
June 8, 2015 at 8:18 pmChristine, I’m so happy that the Lord led you to write this sweet comment today. Thank you for taking the time to be obedient – it blessed me so much! 🙂
Beatrice
March 12, 2017 at 2:58 pmThank you Julie for your story which is such an encouragement to other moms… as we all go through such experiences and realize that we are not alone. Thank the Lord for His saving Grace
Laurie
March 26, 2017 at 9:43 amReread this again this morning. We’ve been memorizing Eph 4:29 as a family, and I keep finding myself needing it as much as — if not more than — the children. Thanks for the encouragement.
Jenn @ Blessed and Busy
January 29, 2019 at 2:33 pmI am a new visitor to your blog and already feel like we are kindred spirits. God has been growing His grace in me, and it has definitely been a rough transition. I like to think of myself as a cup that is so full of grace, when it gets even the smallest bump, it only spills grace onto those around it (instead of all the yucky stuff I usually have in my cup). Thank you for pointing out my selfishness and reminding me we are all in this Walk together, needing encouragement from one another. I look forward to reading more of your posts!