Dear Happy Baby,
2012 was a crazy one for you!
For starters, you were born on April 3.
Then you spent almost 100 days in the hospital being treated for everything from a fatal genetic disease, to a disabling infectious disease, to a muscle weakness called hypotonia, to a kidney condition called VUR, to a feeding disorder, and surgery for a muscle biopsy and g-tube.
Those 3 months were some of the toughest your mama has ever faced!
It pained me to see you in your hospital crib, being cared for by everyone in the world it seemed, but me. I had some serious competition with all those nurses!
When we finally got you home in July, things started to change.
I got to really be your mommy – change every diaper, give you a bath every night, and even pick out your outfits each day.
I got to wake with you through the night and be the first one there when you let out a whimper.
I got to give you unlimited snuggles and hugs and kisses without any wires or leads in the way.
You started to eat better and by the time Thanksgiving week arrived, we were able to have a surgery to get your feeding tube removed.
And since then, you have really started to grow.
In fact, I think you had a growth spurt right at the start of the new year! I am finally noticing some ham hocks on those yummy thighs of yours!
But, even with all the progress you have made, I still battle this awful thing called fear.
Every cold you get, every time you throw up, every funny twitch or out-of-the-ordinary thing you do fills me with a nervousness that your health is still in jeopardy and that maybe, just maybe I had something to do with it when you were growing in my tummy.
But fear is not from God. And, to be honest, I feel that this fear robs me of truly experiencing the joy He wants me to experience through your precious life.
My New Year’s Resolutions for 2013 are for you, my boy.
This year I resolve to lay down my anxieties.
“Do not be anxious about anything…” Philippians 4:6
This year I resolve to stop ‘Googling’ things about mitochondrial damage.
“Do not fret. It leads only to evil.” Psalm 37:8b
This year I resolve to run to Jesus whenever I feel afraid about your health or decisions I have to make regarding it.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
This year I resolve to remember that you are going to do things in your own timing and stop worrying why they haven’t happened yet. You will eventually sit up. Your teeth will eventually come in. You will eat solid food. You will run around with your big brother one day.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
This year I resolve to stop comparing you to fat babies.
“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” Matthew 6:26
This year I resolve to remember that God is my strength and my peace each new morning (even the mornings where you wake up with signs of a cold).
“The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever. The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.” Psalm 29:10-11.
This year I resolve to stop snacking on so much granola before bed.
Okay, that one is not about you. But I do really need to get some self-control over that.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well…” Psalm 139:13-14
This year I resolve not to carry guilt or shame as if I had something to do with your health… God makes no mistakes.
“I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered in shame.” Psalm 34:4-5
This year I resolve to live in the moment with you – treasuring each minute of your baby-ness!
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself…” Matthew 6:34
This year I resolve to memorize God’s Word more so that when my flesh is tempted to break all of these resolutions I will have some serious war tactics.
“The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip.” Psalm 37:31
But ultimately, this year I resolve to be surrendered to God’s will. To hold you with open hands before the throne – always, always remembering that His ways are best.
“All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful…” Psalm 25:10
Happy 9 months, Happy Baby, and Happy New Year.