11 Months – Why I Don’t Want to Be a Pillar of Salt

11 monthsThe Happy Buddy is really into fire right now.

Firehouses, firetrucks, firemen, fire…

So you can imagine how he feels about the story of Sodom and Gomorra.

Kind of a gruesome tale, but he asks me to read it to him almost every night when we break out the Bible.

The more we read that story, the more I have felt that gentle nudging of the Spirit – calling me, once again, away from myself and closer to Him.

You see, this month my milk supply has started to dry up.

I have watched in great panic as my pumping sessions have started to get longer and longer.

I have been struggling to keep up with the Happy Baby’s growing appetite.

And I have been spending ENTIRE DAYS freaking out and fretting about the next thing.

So many questions and so many voices in my head.

Do I try to start him on formula to supplement?  If so, where do I even begin on what kind of formula?  What if he hates it?  Will he ever eat solid food or just keep vomiting at the mere touch of a spoon to his lips?  Do I introduce him to cow’s milk?  What if he has a dairy allergy?  Should I go buy a goat and learn how to milk it so that he can drink that since so many people have been telling me lately how amazing goat’s milk is for you?  And what about sippy cups?  I haven’t even tried to introduce those yet…

And then the Happy Hubby reminded me that the church is taking the staff and their spouses on a 5-day retreat at the beginning of May and he reeeeally wants me to come.

My heart wants to honor my hubby first (and God knows some time away would be a blessing for both of us!), but how in the world am I going to wean the Happy Baby so quickly???

11 months1Just typing all these things makes me want to take a nap!

All these thoughts are such evidence that I still wrestle with the stronghold of fear.

When will I ever learn the powerful truth that God loves the Happy Baby more than I do??  That He will protect and preserve him no matter what I do??

And more important, that He wants me to be free of these incessant worries??

And this is where Sodom and Gomorra come in.

God sent some angels to tell Lot that the cities were going to be destroyed because of all the evil that existed there.  Then He also, in His great mercy, said that He would spare Lot and his family – that they should flee to the mountains and not look back.

The first problem here is in Lot’s response.

Instead of believing in faith that God had the very best planned for him in the mountains, Lot argued and asked if he could flee to the nearby town of Zoar instead.

Don’t we do that, friends?  We think we know what’s best for our lives so we compromise and settle for something less than the mountains.

11 months3I think that pumping (the thing that takes SO MUCH of my time, the thing that keeps me from having enough energy to make consistent meals for my family and spend good quality time with my kids, the thing that interrupts date nights and never lets me sleep longer than a few hours at a time, the thing that makes me feel responsible if the Happy Baby has bad gas or digestive issues, the thing that has limited my diet to so few things I feel I am missing some serious nutrition…) is the best thing for the Happy Baby – so even though it is literally driving me into the grave – I am stubbornly pressing on because I am afraid that anything else will compromise my boy’s health.

I have sensed the Lord calling me to the mountains – a land that is free of the wah-wah-wah sound – for awhile now, but I am scared.

Scared about actually committing to giving the Happy Baby solids because I know we’re going to have to endure some barfing and gagging for a season until he gets the hang of it.

Scared that formula or cow’s milk just won’t be good enough – won’t be good enough to keep healing and bringing strength to the Happy Baby’s hypotonia.

(The pride and glory-from-God-stealing evident in that sentence is a whole ‘nother post in itself!)

So I keep begging God to let me settle in a nearby town – get what I want by continuing to pump.

And you know what?  Just as He did for Lot, God has graciously allowed me to have my way for almost an entire year.

But the mountains… They are calling me.

Now if only I would lay down my fears and obey!

11 months5The second problem in the story of Sodom and Gomorra was when Lot and his family were fleeing the cities.

The angels gave strict orders that no one look back.

But as they ran from the burning scene, Lot’s wife looked back.

I think a part of her was sad to leave the life she knew – a life that was comfortable.

She looked back because she was afraid to look ahead.  She was afraid that what was ahead would not be as good as what was behind her.

And for this seemingly small act of unbelief, Lot’s wife was changed to a pillar of salt.

I feel like that sometimes.  When I know God is calling me to step out in faith with something and all I can do is cling to and long for the comforts of what I know.

While I definitely do not love pumping, there is a certain strange comfort to it.  When you do something long enough it almost becomes a part of you.  And so I am nervous to let go and nervous to introduce new things to the Happy Baby’s somewhat fragile digestive system.

Change is not my favorite, as you can probably tell!

11 months2Plus, climbing up mountains is hard work!  Working with the Happy Baby to get familiar with solids is going to be hard work (this photo reveals pretty clearly how he feels about food).

It’s time, though.

And God promises to give His strength for the climb.

So, friends.  I have no idea what to do or what the next step is, but I know that God’s desire for me is to live in the mountains instead of settling for Zoar.

God’s desire for me is not to be a faithless, fretting, pumping-like-a-mad-woman pile of salt.

But a trusting, non-compromising, fully surrendered mama that can scale the heights with the help of the One who has so faithfully carried us through this last almost-year.

How ’bout you?

Is God calling you to the mountains?

It’s time to gear up, friends.

Let’s climb together!

11 months4“God gives me strength for the battle.
    He makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer.
    He helps me stand on the highest places.”

Psalm 18:32-33

- Julie :-)

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23 thoughts on “11 Months – Why I Don’t Want to Be a Pillar of Salt

  1. The fact that you’ve continued to pump for all this time is just awesome and inspiring to many Momma’s I’m sure! I’ll be praying for you to lean on God and follow the path that you feel him calling you to…HUGS,

  2. Let me encourage you a moment. Just as God provided milk for you to nourish the happy baby he will also make provisions for the switch to other foods and liquids. I breastfed my daughter exclusivly for 11 months and went straight to whole milk after that. I am confident that the Lord will make this transition much easier than you think….trust him my friend…praying for you :)

  3. Climbing with you sister! With His strength we can get through any trial. The trial will get us to our goal because we’ve put our trust in Him. Thank you for that beautiful post. You build us weary moms up and we climb together only by His strength!

  4. I am praying for you Girl. I am in awe that you have continued to pump, what I call a TRUE, labor in love!!! What a blessing. We have gone to goat milk, and no I don’t own a goat, nor do I know how to milk one, but thankfully, Wal-mart, Kroger, Market Street, I know all carry it, so don’t worry about becoming a dairy farm. I pray the Lord will speak through His spirit what yummies are next for your lil’ man. You are such an inspiration, even in your transparency. I am sure he will have to adjust, but the time spent on that will be the same time you already selflessly spend pumping…..AND, hopefully he won’t need to eat in the middle of the night, and you WILL! Blessings!!!

  5. you know- i found you by accident when looking for baby shower ideas. i had no idea you were a christian. i recently came back to God after straying for awhile (kinda like lot and abraham’s relationship) and you had tears in my eyes as i read of your struggles. i just wanna say thank you. not gonna get into details but i appreciate your post :)
    GOD WILL PROVIDE FOR ALL OUR NEEDS

  6. Thanks for sharing, Julie. I think, as women, we struggle so much with being in control, which is really just an illusion anyway. I’m so thankful for God’s patience with us!

  7. As usual Julie you have a beautiful view of things. What an awesome gift to be able to look for God’s desire in so many of the scary situations you’ve been in over this last year.

    I urge you to find a nutritionist to work with you on a diet for the happy baby. This last year I learned a lot about differing degrees of food sensitivities. I found out that a good majority of the sinus infections and rounds of antibiotics we gave to my daughter when she was so little could have been avoided with diet changes. Food sensitivities cause much milder reactions than a true food allergy in people and since they can happen quite sometime after ingesting the problem food a connection is often overlooked. While my daughter tested negative for true food allergies with her traditional doctor, the testing by the nutritionist for sensitivities showed plenty. The changes we have made to her diet based on this information has had amazing results in her growth and overall health.

  8. Thanks for this post, I too am one who doesn’t like change, good or bad. It is good to be reminded that God uses our circumstances to bring us closer to him. (the climbing up the mountain) The reminder that he has good things for us and we can trust him to know what is best for us. You say it so well and I thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.

  9. Who knew God would use a post on pumping to confirm my vote on a church decision?!! Love it! This part: “Instead of believing in faith that God had the very best planned for him in the mountains, Lot argued and asked if he could flee to the nearby town of Zoar instead. Don’t we do that, friends? We think we know what’s best for our lives so we compromise and settle for something less than the mountains.” was exactly what I needed to hear. I fear we are compromising and settling – I don’t want to settle – I want the mountains!! :) I pray God will smooth and ease your transition and give you peace.

  10. Julie,

    I wrote to you before explaining my NICU stay while the happy baby was in the hospital. I may have even mentioned that I was an Exclusive Pumper. I just wanted to continue to encourage you that you can continue to pump! :-) I pumped for almost 18 months as my lil man would NOT nurse. I swear that pump went everywhere with me! I pumped in places I never thought possible. HEEHEE! Anyhow, I also wanted to let you know that my lil guy had a VERY hard time with solids too. He would ONLY eat things that were “hard” and around 15 months we started seeing a speech therapist for assistance. My story is similar to yours. One thing that remains the same is HIS constant love for us and HIS even bigger love for our babies!!! My son will now be 2 next month and though he may not eat steak and potatoes, he eats enough to survive and keeps getting better and better as the days go by. I think you’re in Ft. Lauderdale too (I am). Please know that you have been in my prayer journal since before you were pregnant with your newest addition!!! May you continue to be the Warrior the Lord has called you to be!!!

    Gina gfcheer19@aol.com

  11. My son was born the day after your Happy Baby. I’m not an exclusive pumper like you, but I breastfeed when I am with him and pump while I’m at work. I just want to say that your post couldn’t have come at a better time. My supply has been decreasing and today’s pumping sessions at work were my worst ever. This is my last baby (I also have two daughters) and I also struggle with what things are going to be like when I stop pumping and breastfeeding. Thank you for this post and the perspective.

  12. Thx for your ongoing transparency and honesty! I am also in a similar land in my heart and He is calling me to higher ground – for a loooong time I’ve been compromising to maintain my comfort level… How silly I am!!! He knows what is best, but I have to let go of what is to receive what should be. Thanks for the encouraging word-I miss you all at Rio!!! How’s the happy buddy? Jethro looks amazing! :-D <3 xo

  13. You are an amazing woman and have done so many wonderful things for your baby. You will always be his mom and he will always need you more than anything else, even if you are not pumping. It is hard to watch our babies grow, but introduce food and watch him soar. Go to the mountains, you are a wonderful mom!

  14. Julie,
    Sometimes, I read your posts, and I feel as if we are what they call “Kindred Spirits.” I know that sounds funny, since you don’t know a thing about me. It just seems that emotionally, we have so much in common…so many of the same concerns for our children. I struggle with change, as well. I thank you so much for always finding a way to encourage me, even though you don’t know me. Thank you for listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and sharing with the rest of us. Now, it’s time for me to get going on my blog, so you can learn more about me! :0)

    ~ Brandi ~

  15. I know you have probably tried just about everything. I was wondering if you have tried solids that aren’t baby food. I noticed the Happy Baby has teeth. My little ones loved club and ritz crackers. Maybe you can find some “soft” foods that aren’t in a jar he will like. I nursed all 5 of mine exclusively, pumped very little. I weaned my first the day she turned 1, because in my naivety I thought I should only nurse 1 year – period. Learned that lesson the hard way. She wouldn’t drink milk. I tried everything imaginable. She SURVIVED on apple juice, more than survived, thrived. She’s almost seventeen now (and did start drinking milk around age 5) and has no health issues and no cavities (as some thought would happen because of all the juice.) God will help the Happy Baby grow and thrive – with or without milk.

  16. I needed to read this today. God is amazing! My supply is dropping rapidly and it is hard to let go, for me, and trust that this is in His Plan. He knows best…

    Thank you for this post. It is so hard for me to stop pumping… I wrote a baby food cookbook that is on http://www.amazon.com called “Babies Bellies: An Organic and Nautral Approach to Nourishing Healthy Children” so I know the importance of nursing, but my body is telling me it is time and I have to give up the control and trust Him.

    Again, THANK YOU! You have inspired me through your words. God Bless! Your boys are blessed to have you as their mommy!

  17. Hi Julie, I found your blog from your comment on my resurrection basket. This post is wonderful. I have been nursing for 14 months and am also looking at the mountain calling. Every time I think about it I am filled with sadness and fear. It is how we have always related. In fact tonight I am going to a Chris Tomlin concert tonight and it will be the first time my husband is going to try and put him down without me. 14 months and this is the first night! Yikes! You would think by number four I would be better at these transitions, but this one has my heart. Thanks for posting, so good to remember we are not along in these struggles. To God be the glory!

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