The Happy Buddy is really into fire right now.
Firehouses, firetrucks, firemen, fire…
So you can imagine how he feels about the story of Sodom and Gomorra.
Kind of a gruesome tale, but he asks me to read it to him almost every night when we break out the Bible.
The more we read that story, the more I have felt that gentle nudging of the Spirit – calling me, once again, away from myself and closer to Him.
You see, this month my milk supply has started to dry up.
I have watched in great panic as my pumping sessions have started to get longer and longer.
I have been struggling to keep up with the Happy Baby’s growing appetite.
And I have been spending ENTIRE DAYS freaking out and fretting about the next thing.
So many questions and so many voices in my head.
Do I try to start him on formula to supplement? If so, where do I even begin on what kind of formula? What if he hates it? Will he ever eat solid food or just keep vomiting at the mere touch of a spoon to his lips? Do I introduce him to cow’s milk? What if he has a dairy allergy? Should I go buy a goat and learn how to milk it so that he can drink that since so many people have been telling me lately how amazing goat’s milk is for you? And what about sippy cups? I haven’t even tried to introduce those yet…
And then the Happy Hubby reminded me that the church is taking the staff and their spouses on a 5-day retreat at the beginning of May and he reeeeally wants me to come.
My heart wants to honor my hubby first (and God knows some time away would be a blessing for both of us!), but how in the world am I going to wean the Happy Baby so quickly???
Just typing all these things makes me want to take a nap!
All these thoughts are such evidence that I still wrestle with the stronghold of fear.
When will I ever learn the powerful truth that God loves the Happy Baby more than I do?? That He will protect and preserve him no matter what I do??
And more important, that He wants me to be free of these incessant worries??
And this is where Sodom and Gomorra come in.
God sent some angels to tell Lot that the cities were going to be destroyed because of all the evil that existed there. Then He also, in His great mercy, said that He would spare Lot and his family – that they should flee to the mountains and not look back.
The first problem here is in Lot’s response.
Instead of believing in faith that God had the very best planned for him in the mountains, Lot argued and asked if he could flee to the nearby town of Zoar instead.
Don’t we do that, friends? We think we know what’s best for our lives so we compromise and settle for something less than the mountains.
I think that pumping (the thing that takes SO MUCH of my time, the thing that keeps me from having enough energy to make consistent meals for my family and spend good quality time with my kids, the thing that interrupts date nights and never lets me sleep longer than a few hours at a time, the thing that makes me feel responsible if the Happy Baby has bad gas or digestive issues, the thing that has limited my diet to so few things I feel I am missing some serious nutrition…) is the best thing for the Happy Baby – so even though it is literally driving me into the grave – I am stubbornly pressing on because I am afraid that anything else will compromise my boy’s health.
I have sensed the Lord calling me to the mountains – a land that is free of the wah-wah-wah sound – for awhile now, but I am scared.
Scared about actually committing to giving the Happy Baby solids because I know we’re going to have to endure some barfing and gagging for a season until he gets the hang of it.
Scared that formula or cow’s milk just won’t be good enough – won’t be good enough to keep healing and bringing strength to the Happy Baby’s hypotonia.
(The pride and glory-from-God-stealing evident in that sentence is a whole ‘nother post in itself!)
So I keep begging God to let me settle in a nearby town – get what I want by continuing to pump.
And you know what? Just as He did for Lot, God has graciously allowed me to have my way for almost an entire year.
But the mountains… They are calling me.
Now if only I would lay down my fears and obey!
The second problem in the story of Sodom and Gomorra was when Lot and his family were fleeing the cities.
The angels gave strict orders that no one look back.
But as they ran from the burning scene, Lot’s wife looked back.
I think a part of her was sad to leave the life she knew – a life that was comfortable.
She looked back because she was afraid to look ahead. She was afraid that what was ahead would not be as good as what was behind her.
And for this seemingly small act of unbelief, Lot’s wife was changed to a pillar of salt.
I feel like that sometimes. When I know God is calling me to step out in faith with something and all I can do is cling to and long for the comforts of what I know.
While I definitely do not love pumping, there is a certain strange comfort to it. When you do something long enough it almost becomes a part of you. And so I am nervous to let go and nervous to introduce new things to the Happy Baby’s somewhat fragile digestive system.
Change is not my favorite, as you can probably tell!
Plus, climbing up mountains is hard work! Working with the Happy Baby to get familiar with solids is going to be hard work (this photo reveals pretty clearly how he feels about food).
It’s time, though.
And God promises to give His strength for the climb.
So, friends. I have no idea what to do or what the next step is, but I know that God’s desire for me is to live in the mountains instead of settling for Zoar.
God’s desire for me is not to be a faithless, fretting, pumping-like-a-mad-woman pile of salt.
But a trusting, non-compromising, fully surrendered mama that can scale the heights with the help of the One who has so faithfully carried us through this last almost-year.
How ’bout you?
Is God calling you to the mountains?
It’s time to gear up, friends.
Let’s climb together!
“God gives me strength for the battle.
He makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer.
He helps me stand on the highest places.”